Hummingbird
by thrashing-light
Summary: After the death of Lelouch Lamperouge, two survivors from the war continue to soldier on, and in a continued dance of survival, the learn that things are not what they seem. Will Kallen and Gino ever find peace when their past continues to surge back? Will the Lotus and the Hummingbird ever be allowed to thrive?
1. 1st anniversary: A fall from Light

Hummingbird

I do not own Code Geass or any of it's elements or entities

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><p>Everyone is getting so excited for tonight's festival, but my skin is stone. Rivalz, Milly, the whole city. They're all so giddy. Even Gino seems like his normal, flirtatious, bubbly self. I told him I was excited too. But of course I wasn't. Whether or not I truly understood what I ravaged, and what I reaped; I do understand what ravaged me. I gutted myself. For eleven months, three weeks and six days I tried to sew myself back up, to stuff my lungs with sweet air, to gulp down the warmth everyone else felt.<p>

It didn't work. It all leaked out. There simply not enough left. Students and other people laugh and streak past me, going towards the center of town. All smiles. The weather is simply gorgeous, a small smile even slips across my face.

With my calloused hands I used to grip the molded hand controls of my Guren as Q-1, the Red Lotus of the Black Knights. I used to be filled with intrinsic clarity. I claimed the lives of many, transferred as notches on my gun barrel to achieve the ultimate goal for everyone. Freedom. The liberty to achieve, to dream, to stand on your own two feet and grab what you needed without anyone keeping you down.

Naoto. He confirmed to me who it was that was pushing us down. Brittania.

Zero. He gave me to tools to cut them down.

Lelouch. He...was the one who achieved it.

Of course I know Zero and Lelouch were the same person. I just never thought I would lose faith in both of them. I always thought I could trust in my clarity. But the words never and always definitely don't belong in real life. That's what I learned about myself these past eleven months, three weeks and six days. My belief in ultimate clarity decimated me from the inside out. Lelouch appeared to self-destruct after Nunnally passed. I saw Lelouch and Suzaku going too far, losing their sense of justice, getting drunk off power. I thought that my clarity in the goal of proper freedom would show me the right path.

And it flung me down the wrong one. I helped kill the only man I loved. My hair flashes past my eyes; the breeze picks up as I walk down the sidewalk towards the river. The river looks like its made of tangerines, the way it reflects the sunset. Man, I guess it was later than I thought.

He told me to live on. He looked back at me so lifeless back when I kissed him. Like a stunned statue. How could he expect me to live when the last time I truly looked into his eyes, he looked back at me like that? It used to make me so angry. So insulted he didn't choose me to be in his coveted inner circle, with Suzaku and C.C. So crushed he didn't trust me to hold his secret, to help him so he didn't have to sacrifice himself. So hurt he didn't love me back. So torn open and twisted inside out that he saw the fatal flaw in me that I didn't see. That I was simply too naïve and could only be a pawn, not a queen.

And in the end, he became another notch on my Guren's Radient wave barrel.

Birds swing by me, chattering to each other, it's nice to know that the only things routinely in the air now are birds. I smile again. And think that Gino is pretty happy for that too, no matter how much he whines he misses his Tristan.

For a while I just shut down, I couldn't even think, uncounted days, where I just slept in my bed or I watched bad television. My muscle mass left, and I became as physically weak as I felt mentally. People would came by and visit, Nunnally, Ohgi, Chigusa, Villetta, Rivalz, Nina, Tamaki even Milly stopped by. I still felt nothing. One person would keep coming back. His presence hummed annoyingly at the hems of my life. Gino. Just like when I was imprisoned he came around again and again. Leaving notes. Saying hello. Cooking me food. Just what was his deal anyway? Didn't he get it? That I just didn't care anymore? That it was too late to fix me? I did too much damage.

Yet. I eventually got out, went back to Ashford Academy and even graduated. Not all on my own strength though. We all sort of banded together after the assassination. We had just as many festivals, parties, study groups and clubs. I've held it together really well too. I would laugh at all the right jokes, smile at all the right moments, study the right material. Everyone accepted me back. They thought I was a genius to fight against the evil Lelouch before anyone else did.

I kick my left foot at a rock and it skips to the bridge. Such a small motion can be so satisfying. Like I still have the power to do something. Sometimes I feel so fake that I may just phase through matter. Like my feelings are all a big song and dance, like the yellow dress I wore when I was locked up. Yellow like the color of his hair. Gino.

The only time I feel anything at all is with Gino, which albeit isn't saying much since it's mostly annoyance, confusion and shock when he hits on me. He can make any girl, or guy for that matter, feel just about anything. He bounced back from all this war in a way I can't comprehend.

His eyes sparkle, He lives in the moment, doing outlandish things, talking about all sorts of nonsense, talking to just about anyone about anything. We don't talk at length, or spend much time together; he is super busy being the new school Class President and all. He simply hums around the edges of my school day, always flitting around, and flirting with me at least once a day. If it wasn't such an absurd thing to say about him, he reminds me of a hummingbird.

He excels at so much, he would probably hardly notice if I left. If anything I may just remind him of a time he is trying so hard to forget.

I grip the smooth, warm metal railing of the bridge, the last of the cars whip by me, most already at the grand festival. My eyes just stare out downstream. Taking in the wondrous rebuilding process of this city. It's almost like the FLEIJA never happened. The buildings are all replaced. Better than ever. I wonder what would have happened if I let Suzaku win that last fight. If he had bested me not the other way around. Maybe I would have had killed Lelouch, instead of Suzaku killing him, and watching become a faceless avatar he never wanted to be.

I have so many, many regrets. So many things I simply can't fix now. I don't know how to even do the last request Lelouch even asked me.

To live.

My life. Ha. My life is a tar pit. I tried. I did. I tried to get myself right. To atone for all I did wrong. Others seem to have figured it all out. They seemed to find their place, as Gino would say "raison d'etre". Whatever, Kallen Kozuki is a ghost. What can a ghost offer the present?

More birds glide out over the water, flying down into the fat sun, lazily dipping more than halfway down into the water. I take one skinny leg and fling it over the rail. Then the other. The breeze has died down some. It simply ripples the hem of my skirt. And tugs at my shirt. I sidestep along the edge of the overhang towards the support column of the bridge. I'm just as calm as I thought I would be.

It's futile. And I am tired of not belonging in this future Lelouch wanted so much for everyone. I don't want to taint it any longer. I was so many things. I was a fighter, a leader, a tactician, a pilot, a friend, an ally, and a sister. I could have be friends and even a great lover too. Just wasn't in the cards. I finally realize now how all the veterans of the past wars felt. Waking up in cold sweats screaming a dead man's name. Daydreaming contingency plans in case war breaks out again. Thinking of the last person still alive on Earth I would want to lose. It exhausts me. I am tired all the time. Another thing I can't understand about Gino, his boundless energy.

He is truly remarkable. He isn't as brilliant as Lelouch, or as strong as Suzaku, but he certainly proved himself more resilient.

I peek the toe of my left foot over the ledge. Then the right. I fall back slightly and lean back against the metal support column that is already cool. The sun is almost set. I feel less serene and more grim. There isn't much I miss from the present. There isn't much that really made me smile. But he did on those rare occasions. It'd be a shame though to drag him down with me. He is the type of person Lelouch intended for his splendid future. I close my eyes and smell the fresh air. Hear the squawks of the gulls. Feel the line of dome capped rivets running down my back.

Tears prick unexpectedly at my eyelids. I reluctantly open them as they trickle down my cheekbones. Tears are so not my thing. I'll blame it on the wind. Then the sun finally drowns beneath the river, and the sky turns a pink and purple, strangled hue.

"I'm coming home Naoto, Lelouch." I murmur, and I'm pretty sure the wind catches my words, and flings them away. I place my palms against the cool metal and my heart rate crescendos, I can't wait to fly again. I pause as I hear a familiar voice calling my name. They're calling me! I flash a smile. Naoto! Lelouch! I hear it again, closer now. Wait. That's not Lelouch's voice, nor is it Naoto's.

"Kallen! Stop!" Now I place it. I can't believe it though. It can't be him. How would he know where I would be? I almost push off just then, I'm just a stupid girl hearing voices. Then out of the corner of my eye I see it. The blur of blond hair closing in.

Why does he have to ruin everything?

A spike of anger stabs through me. Gino. What is he doing here? Why isn't he at the party he organized for Ashford Academy? Always sticking his nose where it doesn't belong. But just as quickly as the anger hits, it leaves. It's Gino's nature. He doesn't get it, he doesn't know. He is just a caring person. He cares about everyone at Ashford; maybe someone saw me on the bridge while driving past in their car. He is too innocent to really get it.

"Kallen! What are you doing?!" He was close now, on the other side of the railing. His white button shirt is all crumpled, so unlike him. His blue eyes were blown out wide, his body out of breath and frantic. If I wasn't so spent I would have smirked. He probably asked the dumbest question he could have.

"Just go." My voice didn't sound like my own. It sounded hollow and heavy like a cinder-block. I look down at the water below. Wow, I guess we are up pretty high. I glance down at the support beams. I wonder if the wind would blow me back into one if I jumped off towards the left.

"Not unless you come with me." I glance up, Gino's voice lost its panicked pitch, and lowered into his usual baritone. Again, Gino, with the white knight gig. Talking to me while imprisoned. Trying to get my out of my bed after the assassination. Too persistent. He needs to learn that he can't fix everything. He can't fix me. And his odd mix of naivety and arrogance that he thinks he can is getting tiresome. He has so many other people in his life. Bother them.

"I'm not going with you. And you honestly can't make me." I make eye contact with him, my hair almost twirls around my eyes and almost blocks my vision. I tuck it behind my ears. He just doesn't get it.

"The hell I can't! Listen Kallen you're better than this. You're stronger than this." Gino pleaded as he loped his long legs over the railing to be on the unsafe part of the bridge with me. Now he went from caring colleague to crazy idiot.

"I don't know what you're blabbing about. But you need to leave. You don't have any reason to be here." I move back against the support beam. He looks so worried. He doesn't have anything to worry about.

"Kallen. Stop wallowing in this. Stop punishing yourself!" He pleads. I can see the sincerity in his eyes and it's so strange not seeing him happy and bubbly per normal. And despite myself I feel tears return. Gino is such a fool. Such a fucking idiot!

"Stop wallowing?! Stop punishing myself?! I'm a huge part of the reason the man I loved is dead. I was so blind to his plan. I let myself be led astray! I lost my faith and trust in Lelouch! And now what?! Suzaku's life is ruined! Lelouch is dead. My brother is dead. There is nothing for me here!" I screamed, my voice felt raw and definitely cracked a half dozen times.

"There is plenty for you here if you let yourself become a part of it!" Gino all but shouts at me. How incredulous. What does he know of my capabilities or my hobbies? And joining something a club? What sort of nonsense is that?

"Join something? I was a part of something! Something important. I can't replicate being the Ace Pilot of the Black Knights. And when that ended so did I! You were able to move on, for you it's easy!" God damnit he can make me so riled up. What could possibly compare to what I was before? I could I possibly be stronger or more important than who I was?

"Did it ever occur to you that maybe it wasn't so easy for me?! For any of us? That maybe you were so wrapped up in yourself that you couldn't see how we were faking it too?" As Gino's eyes narrowed into fragments, his eyes getting blurry from the wind, time stopped.

That hit me. So wrapped up in myself? What good would I have been to help them anyway?

"You weren't the only person to lose someone important to them Kallen." Gino continued much to my dismay. "You weren't the only person who woke up wishing that they were back in time, to fix everything." His voice dropped off, I could barely hear his voice over the now howling wind. The temperature dropped and it now was almost chilly. His eyes got the hollow, distant look I knew too well.

"You and the others are not guilty of this outcome, I am. I had the power to change the outcome, and I failed everyone. I lost it all. There were so many times where I could have saved Lelouch, saved Suzaku. But I ended up being the weakest one. The weakest of us all." I didn't even know I was screaming. This was so stupid and useless.

"I don't belong in this future he created. And I don't deserve to. Now please leave me alone." My voice, as deep as the water below me, rushed at Gino. His eyes widened, and narrowed again into anger.

"Do you think this what your brother wanted, Lelouch wanted? They would have wanted you to try harder than this, they wouldn't wanted for you to give up!" His words pierced me, an old haunting pain I had been living with for far too long. A truth I had just been barely able to swallow, a gnarled, spiky and sticky knot down my throat.

I wasn't what they wanted.

"You're exactly right Gino." The first time I used his name. My toes still dangled off the side of the bridge. All I needed to do was roll my weight forward. "I wasn't and still not the person they wanted, nor needed. This is exactly why I'm here and why they're gone and there is no way I can make it right. Now plea-" I was cut off by Gino's scream.

"You're just arguing in circles! Damnit! I'm tired of listening to your ramblings about things we can't change! Now you're going to listen to me." He once again managed to capture my attention. I looked back at him, I could feel the heat from his teal-eyed gaze. He cared...so much. He was so desperate.

"I want you. You hear me? I want you just how you are. But I know you can be better. better than all of us because you once were! You said it yourself. You need to dig deep, stop throwing yourself the world's biggest pity party! Now get off that bridge and help me create a better world instead of selfishly sitting back and hating it for what it isn't!" He may have said more, but I was beyond infuriated I blocked the rest out.

I twisted my body back in outrage. What...in the worlds?

"You take that back! Everything you said!" I screamed at him. I realized now it had gotten dark, the sun had already set, yet he remained gleaming at me. Mocking me.

"If you care that much come and make me!" Oh. My. Gods. What is he twelve? Fine. A fight he wants a fight he gets. It's not like it matters much now anyway. He already ruined everything. Everything! I squared up to him. The post I was leaning on now to my left. He was only about eight feet away from me. I planted my foot and just as a lunged at him

POPBANG

It startled me. It completely threw me off. After such a long time I hadn't heard anything like it. Gun fire? From where? My vision blanked for a second and I could have sworn I was in the back in the cockpit of Guren. I tensed up and before I knew it my grounded foot slipped from the narrow metal platform. My leg plunged faster into the abyss than I really thought it could.

Damn.

My stomach rocketed into that little space between my collarbones. I was in freefall, again. I had felt this feeling before only Lelouch wasn't here to save me. And I didn't want him to.

But, if this is what I really wanted this whole time...why was I reaching out to Gino? Why did my eyes catch his in shock. Why was he lit up gold? He looked ethereal. Then it hit me.

I, Kallen, former Red Lotus of the Black Knights, was scared by a yellow firework. I HATE that color.

Another split second of terror. My eyes stayed locked on his, his blue eyes turned molten by the firework. He lunged at me, his long, graceful frame shot itself at me. The wind got to be so strong, my hair whipped into my face stinging my cheeks.

And my left hand clamped onto his. His powerful grip surprised me, had he always been that strong?

"Kallen! I have you! I won't let go!" He screamed, his voice hoarse, I wonder who he was trying to convince, me or himself. But he had saved me before hadn't he? When I fell facing Suzaku...

POPBANG

a second firework, Green.

My whole body swung hard but his grip stayed true. I tried to reach up and grab his other hand, but I had lost that upper body strength a long time ago. Adrenaline raced through my body. Thoughts were coming through in fragments.

"You aren't strong enough to pull me up Gino!" I could tell by the way his other hand was awkwardly gripping the rail of the bridge that his grip wouldn't last long and I'd drag us both down. That was the last thing I wanted. It hit me. The last thing I wanted was to drag Gino down. To hold him back.

"I'm going to get you up!" But I could tell by his face he was struggling.

"You moron! The last thing I want is to bring you down with me!" I wanted him to know it. I already felt our grip slipping. My shoulder was being pulled and yanked and I couldn't help but look down below at the ink black water and the rest of the bridge. The rest of the bridge!

POP BANG

Another firework. Red.

"Gino, Swing me to that platform to your left!" I called to him and he began to rock his body right and left, like a pendulum. And all the sudden he had gotten so quiet, but I felt him quicken his grip and his whole, lanky body began to swing to the right, and back to the left. My grip was still slipping but at least I was getting closer...Gods what was I thinking?! I had gotten him into this mess.

"Almost there!" I yelled and as if on cue right at the apex of his swing my grip failed and I found myself sailing through the air like a ragdoll. I was going to make the platform...maybe?

I forgot how to do any of this. I'm going to miss the plat form! My brain fluttered through thoughts and on pure muscle memory did I manage to lunge my upper body to the edge of the platform and my arms hit the grated platform like a sack of cement. The metallic clang and scraping cracked through my ears and for a split second I thought the platform might give way.

My hands managed to grip in the holes of the rusty grate and all I could think of was if I had gotten my tetnus shot recently as the metal cut into them. I think I may have broken a rib or two...my left arm also feels terrible. A scream erupts through me before I even knew what happened.

"Kallen! I'm going to find a way down!" I heard Gino's voice, it barely made it past the howl of the wind under the bridge. I wasn't really listening to it though. I looked down...saw the abyss below. Gino was safe...I could just let go and end it like I planned on. Save him the time of finding the maintenance ladder. Would he be better off? Would I?

I felt my arms flood with blood and I slugged my bruised body clumsily up onto the platform, the wind whipping by me, howling, wanting to drag me down into the darkness. Funny. Here I was about to freely give myself up to it, and now I fought to stay on it. I'm a mess. A dark laugh came out of my lips.

POPBANG

another firework. Blue.

"Gino drives me absolutely crazy." I wheezed. What a completely nuisance he was, but he was right. I can't think of one thing that he or the others have really gone through, or if I asked him how they were with enough sincerity to actually want to know how they were doing. I didn't care enough about anyone to see through their facade. Especially Gino. I just assumed he was happy go lucky like usual, I never thought the war affected him the way it had me.

I gathered myself and manged to stand up, assessing the damage. My left arm doesn't feel broken but I probably cracked a rib...or two...but alive. Standing up I find the worn maintenance ladder and try to climb up it, the wind thrashing me as I start to climb up to the hatch, and right, of course as I get there Gino's face is looking down at me, eyes wide as if he thought I wouldn't be there. Well. Maybe he thought I'd jump after all. I am a little unstable. Maybe I should have jumped. I guess I can just come back. He reaches down and I grab his hand and step the rest of the way up the ladder and onto the sidewalk.

I suddenly feel so drained. The adrenaline is fading from my system and my whole body aches. I feel his long, thin arms lasso around me and pull me into him. I don't even know how to react except with my face against his chest, numb tears keep leaking out. And I am just too tired to care. I don't know if I was courageous for not going through with it, or a coward for backing out.

"Its ok. It's ok. I'm Sorry...I am So sorry for everything. You're safe." Gino's voice sounds pained, and his voice cracked. He was shaking badly too. Or was I shaking? Were we both? Did it matter?

POPBANG

another firework, orange.

"What do you have to be sorry about? I can't get my head straight and caused all this. You were right." My voice sounded pitiful. I never thought I would be this weak. I never thought Gino would have to save me a second time.

"I'm nothing but a hypocrite. I just...kept babbling. I didn't know what else to do. I couldn't let you do it."I pulled away from him, his blue eyes looking down on me like he was expecting me to fade away. He managed a small smile. He brushed my tangled hair lightly out of my face and my heart skipped a beat.

"Did you mean any of it? Any of what you said?" My brow furrowed. I needed to know. Did he actually want me? Or did he just say those things to talk me off the ledge? If he did those things just to pity me...if he didn't actually mean any of it,then I'll be back out here tomorrow. I don't want to do this alone, and I don't want him to do it out of pity.

"Of course! Kallen, no I..." Gino struggled with words "I was just trying to get through to you, to let you know how much we all care about you, how we can all help share your burden, that you aren't alone in this. You can rely on us. We all did things in the war we wish we could change, but can't." He articulated, he kept using the word 'we' and I don't know why I felt so disappointed he didn't use the word 'I'. I gazed back down at his chest silent. I don't know of anyone besides him that I would want to talk about anything with.

"You can rely on me. I won't fail you again." I looked back up at him. "I'm crazy about you Kozuki, I don't want to make a better world if you aren't in it." Gino stated it like he was stating the sky was blue. I felt blood rush to my face. It wasn't fair he could just say these things so earnestly when everything I think and feel is jumbled into knots. I can't think straight and my face feels like its made of lava. How is it possible he can make me feel things that I thought were long dead inside me? Dead with Lelouch.

And suddenly I did the only thing I knew made any sense. I needed to know.

I pushed up on my tiptoes and pressed my lips into his.

It was the first time, in a very long time, I did an action I was confident in. I felt his lips respond to mine, like remembering what is was to really connect to someone again. The kiss made me want to melt into him, for us to forge ourselves into something new. I pulled back and looked into his eyes. If they were anything like Lelouch's, so lifeless and unresponsive...I'd probably just run straight for the bridge.

They weren't.

POPBANG

another firework, yellow.

His normally blue eyes had specks of gold from the firework, making them look surreal. He gazed down upon me with a clearly surprised look on his face, but also one of fire. Buzzing in the back of my head, was a phrase I never thought I would be excited to think. This could be the beginning of something worth living for. Maybe...just maybe...I can make something more of myself.

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><p>Thanks for reading. This was originally going to be a one shot but I may continue this. This also may be a little OOC because it has been a while since I've watched Code Geass.<p>

anyway, i love constructive criticism, its been a very long time since I've written. anything would be appreciated!

-TL


	2. 2nd anniversary: A Fall From Grace

Chapter 2:

2nd anniversary: A Fall From Grace

The 2nd Anniversary of the death of the dictator Lelouch Lamperouge has come to pass and here I am, sitting alone in my closed down restaurant with what is rest of my belongings in the back room. Going home to Brittania seems so bittersweet. The sun hangs low in the sky, casting it a hue similar to Kallen's hair.

I really don't have much to complain about. Really. My parents are flying their private jet out to collect me. I don't even have to fly commercial, a step above first class even! Of course the last thing I want is to is to go home between my legs. Life has a brutal way of reminding me, when it rains it pours. Although there is good news, I am no longer having hallucinations, my fever is down, and all I have to deal with the sweating, racing heartbeat and tremors. Withdrawl isn't very fun.

Though, a year ago I was on cloud nine! I had a slew of odd jobs, ranging from setting up sound equipment to bakery assistant. They didn't pay well, but they were fun and they were where I got the idea to open my restaurant. And besides, what really mattered was Kallen was healing, smiling, and going to therapy. She was even working at a dojo and gym combination center.

She had that spark rekindled, and I couldn't be more relieved. I kept my distance. I knew she wasn't in no position to be in any sort of relationship. She still loved Lelouch. I had to admit though I held out some hope she may want to be with me after what happened a year ago. We promised each other that we would meet up with each other today, as a pact or sorts.

But now...it's all ruined. The raw, stark look of fear in her eyes when she told me to leave has haunted me for seven months. And I have no one to blame but myself.

I go behind the bar, my hands still trembling as I reach for the the last bottle of liquor remaining. Bourbon. I open the bottle carefully. Slowly. Taking all the willpower I can muster to not bottoms up. Hopefully all this will pass by the time I get to Brittania tomorrow.

In the past seven months I have been evicted, run my restaurant into the ground and disgusted the women I love so badly she wants absolutely nothing to do with me.

I sigh. Not a very impressive track record I would have to admit. At least I know when to cash out, and when to cut my losses. The 'sunk cost fallacy' rings very true. I'll manage to bounce back, to figure something else out. It may not be great for a very long time, and I wont' be ok for even longer, but I have bounced back before, I can do it again. I think. Most people don't have rich parents to lend them the money to pay back all my bad debts. Or a palace to start over in. Many people in this world have it a lot worse off than me, But it doesn't make the lead that my insides have become any lighter.

My stomach rumbled. When was the last time I ate? Two nights ago I had dinner I think. It doesn't matter, plenty of people have gone without food longer. I'm fine. I'm just fine. I'll survive. I'll rebuild. I tug my pants up again and tighten my belt another notch tighter so they don't fall down.

I look up out the dirty window. The sunset awash in magnificent pinks, reds and purples. The clouds ripple out like long fingers and the birds are black against its blossoming color. This is the order of all things, all things come to an end.

My parents were ecstatic when I told them I wanted to come home. Apparently they had already set me up on dates with some nice looking girls. My mother even gave me their Instagram. I smirk. My mother on Instagram is a terrifying prospect. I looked at them, they all looked smart, successful, funny beautiful and driven.

They aren't Kallen though. This whole dating thing will take some getting used to again.

I never meant to reveal the dark side of myself after leaving the military, especially to Kallen. Especially on her birthday. I thought I had stamped it out, snuffed it out like a candle, but it roared back to life unexpectedly. All I meant was to give her these flowers that reminded me of her, all oranges, pinks and reds, I even arranged them myself! I also baked her a cupcake from a recipe I perfected: Strawberry Shortcake. It even had homemade strawberry preserves in the center and the icing was just sweet enough. I really thought she'd like it. But I am just a fool.

I rub my face and the length of my stubble surprises me. I probably shouldn't have sold my expensive razor before I saw my parents tomorrow. They will probably ask if I am homeless, which is technically true since I've made the back room for the restaurant my home fore the past four months. It's really fine though, I am fine. Just like those inspirational posters say: sometimes you have to hit rock bottom so you can rise back up again. My brain rattles around the idea, trying to understand it like a rubric's cube but I've have so many sleepless nights that the idea just rings hollow. My chest feels like its caved in, but my pulse still races and my whole body still quakes.

Maybe my friends we're right, it was only a matter of time before I fell apart.

I think about her birthday every night. Rewinding and playing it in my mind like grainy home movies, each memory still vivid and fresh like a new cut stinging through my mind.

"_Oh Gino...thanks, but I'm training for a competition and I can't eat junk food right now." The uneasy look on Kallen's apologetic face reveals I really screwed up. After all, the word 'but' in front of a sentence erases anything that came before for it. And of course the phrase 'junk food' to describe my painstaking effort to create the perfect cupcake for her makes me realize I really don't know what she likes...at least not anymore. But almost without a hitch I showed her my flower, my smile unfaltering. _

"_Ah, my mistake miss Kozuki." Tryiung to hide my embarrassment over my failed gift, "I brought you these flowers! Day Lillies, pink Roses, red and pink Daisies, they reminded me of you so-" I got cut off when I heard a loud, boisterous laughter from a group of men walking towards us. Tall, built and finely muscled and trained. They oozed confidence of regular a gym goer. One of them, dark haired, with hazel eyes walked up behind Kallen._

"_Nice planning skills man, Giving a girl flowers in a gym, what's she supposed to do with them? It's not like there are any vases or stuff here!" He laughed, handsome and clearly the leader of his friends, took a more protective stance next to Kallen. Pfft like she needs protecting. Especially from someone like me. _

"_And what is this?!" he picks up my cupcake "Bringing crap food into a gym?! I bet this even has gluten in it." His friends this time chimed in and I could tell Kallen looked uncomfortable. I opened my mouth to say something, I felt ganged up on. I guess I didn't think everything through but I didn't know that it would all come crashing down. _

"_Sazaki, thats enough. I'm sure I can find something to put these flowers in. I'll be right back Gino." Kallen left and Sazaki promptly threw the cupcake into the trashcan. I felt something inside me give way, a deep, creeping darkness shift closer to the forefront of my mind._

"_Listen man, I don't know who you are but you obviously haven't been around a gym or know anything about martial arts competition." Wait. Kallen was participating in a martial arts tournament. I'll make it a point to ask her when she gets back. _

"_Actually I have competed in them in the past. Admittedly I haven't in a while because the war took a lot of my time. My mane is Gino by the way!" I stuck out my hand to introduce myself, and he grabbed it and shook it aggressively. _

"_Kiro Sazaki. And really? A martial arts tournament? You know we aren't talking about ones you were in when you were nine!" He sniggered and I felt the darkness inside of me shake. "And you? A soldier? No offense but you look more likely to bake a gun shaped cake than fire a real gun." They all laughed this time and the darkness inside of me slackened further. The slow rolling rage began to unearth. I felt it start to chant. It's long dormant voice began to chatter. _

"_Now listen, I have fought plenty, and I may not look it but I can definitely hold my own." I started, trying to keep a smile on my face, being a bit self deprecating can help diffuse a situation. He doesn't know who I am, or what I am capable of. Yes, he is physically stronger than I am, but I have a centimeter of height on him in height. _

_And I am a lethal fighter. _

"_Prove it. Fight me in the ring." He throws me his friends gloves. "Unless you're scared. Haha that's probably what you spent the whole war doing, all talk and no action while your comrades around you fought and died. Just sitting and baking cupcakes." I see red. The rage inside me I have spent years honing and caging is itching to be released. I felt my eyes narrow and the voices inside my head start chanting again...to defeat him, to crush him, to rip him asunder. My body felt alive with lightning and the voices continued to thunder in my ears._

_I saw the faces of all my fallen comrades, of all the battles I lost. Because of my weaknesses, because of my ineptitude. And the chattering got louder. 'Prove yourself', it murmured, 'unleash me and prove your strength.'_

"_lets go then." I put on the gloves and a small voice inside of me pleaded to not let the rage take hold, but just to turn and walk away. I knew I was getting baited, I knew he wasn't worth it but I was already dangling on the edge of reason. What he said next however truly pushed me over the edge as we walked over to the ring. I remember I was wearing jeans, not exactly optimal for sparring but it would have to do. _

_The darkness snaked into my head murmuring 'It's been so long since you've fought Gino...you'll go easy on him. When was the last good spar? With Suzaku? Didnt we stalemate? It's going to feel so good to get it out of your system'. I knew I was in for it when I heard voices actually speak to me in my own head._

"_Oh and just so you know, getting another man's girl flowers for her birthday is totally against bro-code. She and I have been together for a month now and I know as a fellow red-blooded male know you know what I mean by 'together'." He winked suggestively and the rage boiled. "When I met her she was pretty out of shape but I saw the potential, and now well, let's just say her 'performance' is better than ever and we are going to 'celebrate' tonight." He continued to go on but my world had already shattered. So many terrible things were already mentioned. Kallen is no ones 'girl' and potential? She was always perfect, well as perfect as a human can be. The dull ache of realization that she had more in common with this classless muscle head than I do astounds me. _

_I thought she wasn't ready for a relationship, but in reality she just didn't want one with me._

_My head was filled with white noise and the rage's voice shrieking to go ahead and take his block off. I honestly cant think straight. I wanted to take him out. I wanted to show him I was a force to be reckoned with. _

_I had officially redlined. _

"_Let's start already." My voice sounded just like the darkness' voice. It came out deep, dark and commanding. I could tell Sazaki thought I was serious as he charged me with his fists up. He was just so slow. The rage showed me what he was going to do. He was going to go for a right hook, knee combination. The rage awakened and heightened all my senses, like an engine fully revved. That familiar symbol raced across my vision, red and ready. _

_Many questioned me holding the rank of Knight of Three, thought I wasn't worthy enough soldier or pilot. Suzaku knew the truth of my hidden demon. I may not have been an exemplary pilot as he, but he and I would go even at hand to hand combat. _

_Going in again for a roundhouse kick to a backside kick. Odd. Ok, time to get this over with. That was the last rational thought I had when the demon inside me took over. I was just too fast for him. He never saw me coming and with sniper accuracy and surgeon precision I rained blow after blow upon him. I don't remember which kicks, which punches, when I sidestepped or what my body was doing. He may have blocked some of the blows, I think I may have thrown in an axe kick. A switch had been completely flipped and I relished in that brief moment of letting the demon take over._

_Then the haze lifted, the red tinged miasma lifted and the white noise died out when I heard my name. _

"_What are you doing?! Stop Gino!" I heard a familiar voice call out and a shatter of glass. Kallen. Her voice snapped me back from oblivion and I looked down at her from the ring, her eyes wide and exposed like a deer. Her mouth agape. I looked down at Sazaki. _

_I had really done a number on her boyfriend. On her birthday. He had a broken nose at least, there was blood everywhere. His friends were silent. He moaned and rocked, possible cracked ribs? A broken collar bone? _

"_I...I'm so sorry. I can explain" I pleaded. But could I really explain? Would she believe me? That sometimes a demon just grabs hold of me and I can do terribly, electrifying, ruthless things? I don't even understand it myself, Suzaku didn't either but at least he could keep up. I looked back down at her, she looked at me like she had seen my true colors for the first time, the flowers I got her lay broken and dirty on the floor._

_I didn't know what else to say because really, there was nothing to say. The demon was satiated but at an irredeemable loss. I never wanted to reveal the destruction I was capable of. I never wanted to hurt anyone again but now she looked at me in disgust, regarded me as the monster I tried to hide so well. _

"_Explain what?! Get out of here Gino, you can't come back here!"She shrieked at me. It only took two minutes to undo years of trust. She no longer trusted me. She couldn't rely on me. She saw the darkest, dirtiest, most evil aspect of myself and found me unworthy, and anything else about me as beyond reconciliation. My organs dumped from my chest into my feet and my throat swelled up and balled up like a ball of glue. _

_I could no longer be the joyful Gino who always checked up on her. I took off the bloody gloves and and put them on the ring floor and slumped out the door. I heard his friends whisper as I left that they never saw any fighting like mine. I wish they never did. Walking out of the gym, my body still high from the adrenaline, but my feelings crumbling and twisted dense I knew I couldn't look back. She didn't deserve my baggage or my drama. In those two minutes I showed her the brutality that lurks inside me, and you can't ever love that. Not that she didn't already have a boyfriend. _

_Not that she would ever, could ever, choose me now. _

The sun sat morosely on the horizon line, slumping down into the darkened earth. I had since her birthday seen her walking with Sazaki a few times. I don't think she ever saw me , if she did then she didn't acknowledge it. I made a point to try to forget her. Her smile, her attitude, her voice, her embrace, her kiss. Everything that made me feel afire, in the good way.

Drinking helped, drugs helped more. Throwing myself into my work like a javelin also helped. All my employees loved to party, and I always managed to go farther than them. We would stay in the restaurant after closing, or go out or go to one of their places till late. Sometimes till dawn. We spent all our money on things to numb or ice over any feeling we felt detrimental or unimportant. I wanted myself to be completely unbridled. A few tabs of acid here, lines of cocaine there, mescaline, why not? swigs of liquor straight from the bottle here. Molly and the occasional ketamine hit would weave their way into my cocktail of madness and everyone was astounded how hard I could party.

But I had to go farther, I didn't want to feel anything. I had to take special vitamins to get my serotonin levels back up so I could function somewhat, but most days I didn't want to leave the back room of the restaurant and deal with the mess I created. I knew deep down my numbing agents of choice weren't fixing me but damn they were the only things that could sometimes make me feel good.

Eventually, I realized not so coincidentally, that I had tanked my finances on 'party supplies' and that my restaurant was in the deep red and I couldn't self-destruct any longer. I stopped the drugs and alcohol cold turkey. all my friends were aghast, they told me that the withrawl itself was life threatening. I didn't care and after a week most of the withdrawl affects waned. I began to sell things off to save the restaurant, but the damage was already done.

My friends were disappointed that 'you know its a party when Gino arrives or 'life of the party Gino' went sober and eventually stopped hanging out with me. The pit of loneliness inside me became a sinkhole. The happy-go-lucky Gino they thought they knew was gone. It's also for the best they never knew the despair that continues to swallow me whole. They may have meant well but they weren't helping. I spiraled out of control and I had more regrets towards that one fight than any moment during the war.

It was for the absolute best that I finally go back Brittania. I'm helping no one here including myself. Some days I'm so revolted with myself I don't even shower. Today is one of those days. I look out the window, it's practically dark now. My last night in Japan, and what a lonely one at that. I finally begin to pour down the bourbon bottle's contents down the drain. Everything in me calls out to save some for one last drink but I need to fully absorb the desolation that my life has become. As the last bit of bourbon bubbles down the drain I hear the front door of the restaurant open. I forgot to lock the front door.

"Restaurant is closed, there is a pizza place just down the street though!" I called out without turning around. My voice cracked, the tendrils of grief attacked my lungs and made my voice waiver. Another senseless reminder of my business failure. I never want to cook again.

"I didn't come here to eat, Gino" I nearly dropped the empty bottle. Was I in one of those cliché movies? That can't be her voice. I whipped around. Kallen, for the first time, stood in what was left of it. "Did you forget about tonight? I decided to come by here before your place. I thought I'd find you here." Well, that's a relief, if she went by my place first before here she would have found someone else living there. I crossed past the bar, my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.

What a sight for sore eyes. I never knew anyone could look so radiant in green. My heart shreds back open. Taunting me. It just aches. It's too much. Her eyes look teal against her emerald green halter dress. Her pink hair looked the same length, perfectly styled. Her lips...No I shouldn't think about those. It looked like she was on the way to somewhere important. She was even wearing a silver necklace. I can tell by the way she looks at me that I must look worse for the wear. I should have showered today.

"No I didn't forget. I just figured you didn't want to. Not that I blame you." I scratched the back of my head as I looked down to the floor. The spiky ball of darkness in my chest made me nauseous. I felt like my joints were all going to seize up and my muscles ripped in all directions. Holding it together isn't working out very well. I think I may just let myself tear apart.

She looks so healthy, she practically glows. I can tell she has been continuing to go to her gym. She reverberates confidence and I feel the corners of my lips tug upwards. She has come so far, I am so proud of her. Gods she is amazing. Something, despite of everything dark and destitute I am blossomed lightly within me seeing her so well.

"Gino, what happened on my birthday...Well, I should have eaten the cupcake you baked me first of all, and I never gave you a chance to explain yourself. Sazaki said you challenged him to a fight. He said he defended me when you said I should have been more grateful for my flowers...but the more I thought about it, it didn't sound like you." She murmured. It obviously wasn't what happened but it didn't excuse what I did.

"That was months ago Kallen. You don't have to worry about it." My hoarse voice was barely above a murmur. "I ruined your birthday and did a terrible thing. The reason why I did what I did should be the last thing on your mind." I smiled, but I must not have been convincing enough because she stood up straighter and narrowed her eyes in anger.

"Don't tell me what I should worry about Gino. Why that fight happened matters to me and I deserve, and I want to hear your side of the story!" She yelled, her voice echoed through the empty restaurant and again I felt truly haunted. I leaned up against the bar and let loose a long, deep sigh. It's not like my motives mattered.

"He wanted to fight me. He baited me with insulted about how I was a worthless fighter, that my negligence caused the death of my comrades. I lost I. I truly lost it." I didn't want to explain further and embarrass her. Her gaze softened and if I didn't know any better I would have thought she looked hurt for me.

"Gino, I shouldn't have reacted that way. I just...never saw you fight like that before. I had no idea you were that skilled. You fought so gracefully but so savagely. You didn't act like the Gino I knew but I knew last year you saw me act unlike the Kallen you knew. I shouldn't have driven you away." She looked down at the floor, as if ashamed. She has way too much compassion for her own good.

"You don't have to every feel that way. You were right to do what you did. And what I did is comparing apples to oranges to you last year." I swallowed hard, I hadn't admitted this to anyone before "I've had a darkness, a demon brewing inside of me for a long time now. It's why I don't fight anymore. I used to spar with Suzaku—" She cut me off.

"You could hold you own with Suzaku?!" She yelled, astounded.

"Yes, I wasn't the victor most of the time, but I could easily hold my own. I wasn't the Knight of Three for my piloting skills. People feared me for my combat skills. I rather dislike that part of myself. I've tried my hardest to suppress it. I was out of control. You were right to rebuff me Miss Kozuki. And don't worry, you don't have to worry about me ruining your next birthday." Kallen looked to me confused.

"What do you mean?" She asked accusingly. "Gino I can help you get the help you need. Anger management or counseling is the least I can do since you helped me last year. You saved my life" She took a step towards me and I took a step back. I didn't even think I would. I am unworthy of her.

"Oh, that's really not necessary. I'm headed back to Brittania tomorrow. Wheels up 1600! It turns out the saying you need a large fortune for a restaurant to make a small one is true!" I laughed , trying my best to sound light-hearted. I really am relieved to be going home. I am. There is no place else I should be. She looked shocked.

"Gino, I'm sorry about your restaurant. I had no idea, every time I'd come around you looked like you were having so much fun and it was so busy. I wish I had come in side and just got over my guilt. If you're going back to Brittania then I am coming with you to help. You look weary Gino. You look so thin, when was the last time you ate, slept or really took care of yourself?" She surprised me with her selflessness. I plastered on another smile.

"I can't let you do that miss Kouzki-" she cut me off

"Say my name damnit!" She yelled. "My first name. Say it!" she demanded again.

"Kallen"her name almost sounded forbidden rolling off my tongue "Don't you think I'll let you uproot your life to try to help my sorry self out. You deserve to be happy here in your home with your gym, and your boyfriend so-" she cut me off again.

"Boyfriend?! What boyfriend? I said to you that I wasn't dating anyone...wait. Sazaki? Did you think we were together? Did he tell you that?" Her genuinely shocked reaction simmered into my anger.

And with that my world flipped. I think I may be sick.

"Um well, he mentioned that you two were intimately together for a while. He suggested he would celebrate your birthday with you in a very romantic way. He strongly suggested it that way at least". The words jumbled out of my mouth like cereal from a box. Way to be articulate Gino. It was too good to be true. This had to be some sort of dream.

"I am going to kill him. I am. I had a feeling he was saying stuff like that to people. That's what got you so riled up wasn't it?!" She punched her fist into her open palm to emphasize her point.

"What he said doesn't excuse my behavior...but I lost control when he referred to you like some prize to be won, or some potential to be carved. I was angry he took you for granted and that I lost sight of who you were becoming. And when you saw me for what I really way, a brutal fighter, I couldn't let myself be with you any longer. There is no justification." I kept my eyes steady on the ground in front of her feet. Just because she wasn't dating Sazaki doesn't mean she will ever want anything to do with me. And I don't deserve her. I let her down.

"I let you down Kallen, I told you you could rely on me but I just became someone you fear." I murmured and let myself shrink and crumple. I can't believe I poured all that bourbon out.

"Will you listen to yourself?!" Kallen yelled. I looked up, eyes wide. "Last year you told me to stop punishing myself. Well it's time you took your own damn advice! We've all lost control. We've all made mistakes and Sazaki wasn't killed or anything! He's fine! He baited and lied to you. He provoked you, He isn't some innocent bystander!" Kallen stepped closer to me and took my hand in hers. So close. We are so close.

"Who you are was not who that was in my gym. You are caring, kind, loyal courageous and resilient. You can bounce back from anything and always find a solution to any problem. You are strong. Not. Ruthless." Kallen paused. "And I missed you." My heart shot into my throat.

"I took you for granted. All those times you'd come by my gym and surprise me. The sound of your voice, the way you rambled on about some article you read or asking me how my day was. I missed all of that and I bear responsibility when I automatically believed Sazaki even when I knew it didn't sound like something you'd do. So, Gino, if you're going back to Brittania so will I. I have done a lot this year and one thing I've figured out is that I fell in love with you, without even realizing it." She confessed. I don't think anyone could convince me this moment is real.

I looked into her eyes, my mouth ajar. My thin handles shook and trembled. Possibly withdrawl symptoms or adrenaline or both. This was too much. My body felt fatigued and clammy, and lit and on fire at the same time. I needed to sit down. I clumsily clambered onto a barstool and my head swam. All the stress, all the sleepless nights, the drugs, the booze, the atrophy of my body and spirit and she is in love with this? Is she crazy?! I cant tell anyone how they should feel. Maybe she is just confused.

I feel her cup my shoulder with her hand, it felt so warm, and I know she must know how bony it feels. My whole body feels like it can relax and breath again, and I feel so selfish to have her love. But, I will do anything I can to be worthy of it.

She shook my shoulder, and I pulled out shellshock. Her face was painted in the purples of sunset and worry. I flashed my brightest smile I could.

"I love you with everything in me Kallen Kozuki." And I did the only thing that felt right. I leaned in and captured her lips in mine. I felt euphoric. I was given a second chance. And I wasn't going to waste it. "Can I borrow your phone? I need to call my parents and have them cancel the jet." I laughed, and she laughed back, like one of those cheesy movies. "I want to start over here again in Japan, our home".

And with that, I decided, to prove my resilience to her. I was going to make something of myself, for me and for her.

Thanks for all that have read! I love constructive criticism and reviews!


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